I think that no topic has had as many books, songs, poems and other writings about it than the topic of love. If I thought it would be tough to write about the weighty word “peace” in my last blog, how the heck am I going to approach the topic of “love”? Nothing is perhaps as fundamental to our existence, our hopes, and our fears than the topic of love. And yet I think I need to try. Of all the weighty words on my list, this might also be the most misused, misunderstood, and misapplied.
I love God. I love my wife. I love my mum and dad. But I also love my dogs, and I love a good cup of tea. Hmmm. I love certain songs and I love the sight of a bright sunset bouncing off the clouds. I love the smell of bacon. I love a good dad joke and I love playing games with friends. How can all those experiences, attitudes, and feelings all be described with the same word: “love”? For sure, some of these are “likes” more than “loves” but still, it’s clear that the word love has multiple meanings and layers to it. To help me unpack this a little, I reread a book by C.S. Lewis called “The Four Loves.” The four loves described by Lewis are: affection, friendship, romance and charity. I’ll do my best to describe these from his descriptions and my own perspectives on them.
1. Affection
Think of a mother’s love for her child and that child’s love for their mother in return. Or even the love between a pet and its owner. Perhaps the most natural and widespread love of all is affection. This form of love has a warmth and easy familiarity that is present within healthy families. Lewis spends quite some time discussing giving-love and need-love particularly for this type of love. There’s a sense that wanting to provide for someone’s needs is a way of showing affection, but also that affection is shown in wanting that need to be met by someone you love. There’s give and take in affection. Lewis goes on to talk about how this love can get out of balance either by becoming too needy, or wanting to be needed too much. For sure this can happen (think needy child or overbearing parent), but for me what’s much worse and prevalent is the lack of loving affection.
Love one another…
2. Friendship
Interestingly, in the cultural context of when C.S. Lewis wrote his book in 1960’s England, this type of love was one that he felt was least appreciated. Now for me in 21st Century America, the phenomenon of social media in general, and Facebook in particular, has brought “friends” to the fore. Not that all of the 1000’s of people labeled as “friends” on your social media account are bosom buddies or more than acquaintances, but at least the concept helps us appreciate this kind of love in the shared experiences of life. This kind of love really is about being connected with others, with a common interest, common cause, or something else that helps us appreciate others and care for them in friendship. Loving friendships strengthen communities and businesses. True friends are there for us during tough times in life and when we want to celebrate good news. Again Lewis is careful to point out some of the dangers for this kind of love if it becomes too extreme. We can end up creating circles that exclude others, making us think “we” are better than “them,” in our little clique or interest group.
3. Romance
From Romeo and Juliet to Westside Story or any one of a thousand romance stories, this type of love, next to affection, is perhaps the most natural and for sure the most written about, talked about and sung about, type of love, in human existence. Whereas friendship is experienced side-by-side with a small group, romantic love is single-minded and acutely focused one-on-one. This love is more than just attraction, though attraction is usually part of it. This love wants to be with the other, to share life, love and dreams together. I’m no expert on romantic love but it seems to me that movies and other fiction often confuse lust and sexual attraction with romantic love and for sure they’re not the same. Like the other loves, this one can get out of balance. There are a whole bunch of novels and movies on the topic - like Romeo and Juliet at the start of this description!
This is love, not that we have loved God, but that He loved us…
4. Charity (agape)
All of the previous loves involve giving and getting something from that love. In a sense they are conditional. This last love is perhaps the most noble, most sacred, and ultimately Godly. The old fashioned word “charity” can be used to describe this or the Greek word “agape” can be used. It’s giving love and not expecting anything in return. It’s seeking the best for someone else, with no ulterior motive. It’s putting others before yourself for no other reason than to love on them. It’s love that is unconditional. In his letter to the Corinthian church the apostle Paul gives perhaps the most famous definition of this agape love:
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no account of wrongs. Love takes no pleasure in evil, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.This love is the truest and purest form of love and the others are just reflections of it, I think. Unlike the other loves there’s no real way it can get out of balance. The source of this love is God Himself and the Bible is full of examples of how God has loved humans throughout our history. Ultimately He showed His love to us in sending Jesus to sacrifice Himself for our sins, to give us a new life of love with Him.
